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Monthly Archives: January 2009

Loon’s shame

Last night I was looking on in the internet and figured out that Penguins are the Loon’s fat cousins. I did not read anything to support this; I just figured it out on my own.

Why do I believe this?

First, they both have black and white feathers and a black beak.

Second, they both have long torsos which are rare in the bird world.

Finally, both have solid bones for diving for fish, while most birds have hollow bones.

This is conclusive proof of my non-researched claim.

The way I see it, there was a group of Loons that were really into watching Benson, because that was the only thing on, and South America does not have good TV. Then, Mexico got a Doritos factory and the Loons kept going to the dumpster and for some reason they did not get cancer or diabetes from all the crap they were eating.

Disney had some cruise featuring Benson, the Broadway Show, and the overweight Loons were the only ones that were boring enough to get tickets. From there they probably took a break to watch the filming of that Anthony Hopkins movie, The Bounty. Once down there, their eggs started hatching. The chicks were fat and out of shame they never returned to Minnesota .

So children, get off the couch, get outside, and get lost in the woods. You don’t want to end up like the Loons ugly, fat secret.

Two gifts

This year for Christmas I purchased a super cool, ultra low V neck from American Apparel in teal for my dear friend ‘Random Cowboy.’ Random enjoys hip fashions and I knew he would like it.

I also knew that his wiffle (wife) would not approve of him wearing this kind of sexy chest hair shirt and as a present to her, I did not give it to him. 

Now that is a to-fer and in true holiday spirit, it is the thought that counts. Merry Christmas Random and Wiffle.

Angel Toenail Box

Angel Toenail Box

My girlfriend keeps a small wooden box that is covered with angels, on the end table next to her couch. Once a week, she sits on the couch, clips her toenails and dead skin and then puts them in the box.
This is what she told me. I have never looked inside of the box, but I have picked it up on a number of occasions, only to be yelled at to put it down again. So, I put down the box. Sometimes when she is not in the room I pick up the box and shake it, only to be yelled at again.
So I was thinking, should I get an angel-covered box and fill it with dead skin and toenails? How would she like getting yelled at if she were to pick up my box of shame? Or should I forget it and just continue shoving my toenail clippings in between the couch cushions?

The Originals

In the olden days we specially bread dogs to sit on our laps to keep the warm when we were talking to our friends. Then television replaced the friends and we talked to the dog. Microsoft invented the laptop and that replaced the lap dog.

Now we talk to ourself, sit and drink alone.

This message brought to you by alone brand wine.

Perpetual Sickness

Perpetual Sickness

The plant sits next to a window that is too close to the door.
In the summer the plant gets a little healthier,
only to fall ill again in winter.
By spring there are only one or two leaves left that have any color.
The plant’s genes have been conditioned for the sunlight of the tropic,
not the sad winter sun of the North.
A few new leaves grow and there is a glimmer of hope.
But it is fall again.
Now there are five leaves.
There will be no new growth until spring.